Business 101

Running a successful business is a cherished dream for many of us. What we tend to forget is when the average person’s attention span is as long as a gnat’s lifetime, it’s even more essential to project the right image. No one buys your product, they buy into a lifestyle. So, here’s some business advice gleaned from the wunderkinds of Hollywood:

1. Choose the name wisely. ‘Smiling Cute Puppies PLC’ is wrong! ‘Treadstone Corp’/ ‘Skynet Corporation’/ ‘Annihilation Inc’ are perfect.

2. Logo. Eerie and frightening. Must instill dread amongst your consumers – The proles must be made aware that they ‘vill be hunted down as you know veir they live’ if they refuse to patronise your business.

3. Location. Zurich is passe. London is okay, the Caymans are better, and Kiev is best. You should also have branch offices in Milan, Cairo, Hong Kong, Lagos, and Buenos Aires. Offices must be designed with plenty of steel, glass and granite. No plush chairs. Think Darth Vader and the Deathstar, not Miss Marple at Sunday High Tea. Offices must only be open on gray and rainy days and never when it’s sunny.

4. You must have at least one Eastern European employee. Female, gorgeous, over six feet tall, and skilled in unarmed combat. Preferably ex-Spetznaz. MUST have a thick accent.

5. Company car fleet. Ford Fiestas and Vauxhaull Astras just won’t cut it. Jaguars will suffice for senior executives. Armoured Bentleys for you. And for the ‘security’, black Mercedes G-classes are best. Chevy Blazers can be picked if funds are a concern, and reliability isn’t.

6. Must have a good lawyer with a thick German accent. He should also wear rather severe-looking glasses and have thinning hair.

7. Stop going to yoga camps on vacation. Terrible image – and not the good sort of ‘terrible’. You want the world to fear you? Casinos are good, G8 conferences are better, while North Korea is perfect as a weekend getaway.

8. You must start smoking. Exotic cigarettes that your corner-shop chappie wouldn’t have heard of. Extra points for cigarette holders.

9. Get a pet, Kittens are BAD. Sharks/cobras are better. Lions and panthers can be fun too, but you risk venturing into parody territory.

10. Delete all the U2 and Bon Jovi songs from your iPod. Classical or Euro-trance is best for a person of your stature, while Power Metal will do if you want to go for the vampire image.

So, go forth and take over the world. Just watch out for Steve Jobs – he’s got Cthulu on his side.

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